Sorry for the little hiatus. I’ve been really busy burning the candle at both ends lately between work, supplemental wedding $ work, wedding planning work, working on my weight loss and having a life. Ok, to be fair I haven’t had too much of a life lately either. Irregardless (Mean Girls, anyone?) I have been thinking about what to write about.
We recently showed Mama M the reception venue. This was, we thought, a necessity because although we would love to have tons of M’s Brazilian family come to the wedding, we are only able to accommodate 90 people in our space, a concept that just didn’t seem to sit well with her. As is, I am already terrified that it will be crowded and would feel much better if we could eliminate a table of 6 and keep it to 84. We thought if she saw it she would understand where we’re coming from and leave the guest list to us. What happened was a little less idyllic. Though her words were carefully selected and a transcript of the conversation would have read positively, her demeanor and tone of voice told a very different story. Instead of focusing on the guest list, she had views of the restaurant. As she was speaking to us about the space, I quickly recalled noticing the same mismatch in language and overtone when we went to her suggested flower vendor. The bottom line was that she didn’t like it.
I went to a wedding a few days after the venue incident. It was held at an event center, one of those places where they give you food on top of food with a side of food. My calorie count from that weekend was insane. Anyway, it was the first wedding I’ve attended since I have been engaged and I felt like I looked at everything with a really different view. Though there is NOTHING WRONG with that style of wedding, it just wasn’t the vibe that M and I have been working toward.
It occurred to me that I think this event center wedding was more of what Mama M wanted for us. I was really sad when I considered that she may not like our wedding at all. Her comments about the venue, about the atmosphere, about the very things we loved about our space hurt my feelings a lot. I know we are not getting married for her, and pleasing her is not my responsibility, especially since she is not holding our purse strings. But I am still left with this feeling that our wedding, which I’ve spent countless hours putting blood, sweat and tears into so that it would be a beautiful reflection of our tastes and most importantly our relationship, is nothing more than a party that she will attend out of duty and when asked about will respond politely, but will not actually enjoy.
I’m not going to say I’m crushed, but I think I’m disappointed because I have been working so hard to foster a good relationship with Mama M. My family is not close by and I genuinely hoped that she would have a relationship with me where we could do things like go to lunch or bake cakes together and not have a weird air of politeness between us. She certainly doesn’t have to love everything I do, but I can’t see us going very far if she doesn’t want to be close enough to be comfortable with telling me when she thinks a decision I may be making isn’t the right one. And for that matter, I would hope that after defending my choices she would appreciate and respect the decision. I wanted to have a genuine relationship with her, and now I fear that it may just an exercise in polite appearances.
I’m not sure how to proceed, but my experiences with M and his mom have thus far told me that they would prefer the “sweep it under the rug” approach, which is a bit contrary to what I’m used to. My family operates on a “let’s get this out in the open and clear the air” frequency, and I tend to gravitate more toward this resolution. Help me understand: where can I draw a line and let her know that I’m affected by her obvious disapproval on something I’ve dedicated so much to? Or should I at all? For now, I’m still trying to play by the rules instead of making them my own, but I remain leery of telling her about anything else as I fear that she won’t like it. Here’s hoping we can mend this tear in our family quilt.
Thanks for reading. – A
I know you aren’t reading this blog for political insight, but I wanted to share this because it involves the topic of marriage. Though many take marriage for granted, or share jokes like, “Everyone should be able to suffer in marriage: gay, straight, whatever!”, the truth is that many people in our country are treated like second-class citizens because they are unable to legally marry the person they love. I find it ironic because I think that one of the places where you can still find real, pure true love is in the gay community – they stay with their partners for a lifetime even though they are not legally bound to each other unlike many straight partnerships where one or both of the parties suffer in an uncomfortable marriage.
People need to understand this simple point – gay is not a choice. So why deny millions of tax-paying, law-abiding people the right to live a life with the same freedoms as everyone else based on something that they never had a choice in? I believe in general human rights. And celebrating love, something I think the world often has a short supply of, should not be an exception. Should you feel the same way, feel free to sign this petition set up by the Human Rights Campaign. You can also “like” a status on the HRC Facebook page about Millions for Marriage Equality. I know many of great people in the LBGT community that would be happy to have your support.
Thanks for reading! – A
I was ready to write a post about how I hate Valentine’s Day proposals. And believe me, I do. I think they’re so cheesy and generic, thoughtless and impersonal. It’s like there should be some fast-talking guy that jumps out between the poor guy asking “Will you marry me?” who interjects some legalese about how this proposal was sponsored by Hallmark, ProFlowers and Godiva, and is non-transferrable before the poor girl can shed a tear or say “YES!”. But then I read this article.
Though I still don’t condone a V-Day proposal because it’s really just piggy-backing off prepackaged sentiments, I really thought about what guys go through to ask us to marry them. We spend our relationships grooming them to respect us as women, to see us as equals (except when it comes to taking out the trash) and then in the blink of an eye we want them to get all 1950’s and treat us like we are just two crazy kids coming from an ice cream social who want to make it legal before we jump in the back of his ’57 Chevy. But it’s not even that simple. We want everything bigger and better. We want the fireworks and genuine surprise. And we are too in his business to even let him surprise us, since we have control over the checking accounts ever since we bought a house with him a few years back and see a suspicious transaction on the statement.
Are we gypping ourselves out of the sweet sentimental experience because we’re overwhelming him with expectations to the point where he just goes to some street-corner vendor to get the giant teddy bear and throw it all into one pink and red conversation-heart-laden mess? Maybe. It’s certainly something to consider. But since lots of guys are stepping up to the plate by either delivering on a HUGE crazy proposal, or getting something personal and intimate that reflects your time together appropriately, I’m still apt to say that the V-Day engagement is a crock.
That being said, if you DO get an engagement today, make sure he got you a gift besides the ring. No free-rides, even if he is committing his life to you. 🙂
Thanks for reading! – A
I’m not usually one to repeat gossip about people that I don’t really know, but I thought this little nugget of information had been mentioned enough times to warrant it true. So let’s start at the beginning.
It’s no surprise that one of the biggest weddings of our time will be taking place later this year, that of Prince William of Wales and long-time girlfriend Kate Middleton. Often dubbed “Waitie Katie” by the British tabloids, she endured 8 years of dating to put a ring on it, and what a ring she got! She gets to wear the beautiful sapphire once donned by William’s mother, the late Princess Diana.
One would assume with all this blue blood pumping through everyone’s veins that this wedding is going to be a pretty classy event. You would also think that tradition would be VERY important to Queen Elizabeth II, who is footing the bill for the 1800 guest shin dig. And yet, she saw it fitting to send out save-the-dates via FAX. Yes, fax. I get that they’re pretty busy over there at Buckingham palace getting this wedding together in a matter of 6 months, but you think someone would have raised their hand to site Miss Manners and her views on wedding etiquette.
Feel free to read one of the numerous reports on the fax heard round the world here. And please know, if you’re invited to our blessed nuptials, you will receive a little more than a blurry digital image. Although all those fax confirmations sure would cut down on the “I guess it got lost in the mail” excuses…
Thanks for reading! -A