I know that weddings are personal and every bride must make her own decisions but some brides, God love them, just don’t have the taste to make good decisions. Cake choices are no exception. Below are some of the trends in wedding cakes that, if they disappeared, would be missed by few.
Fountain Cakes – It seems that these cakes just won’t stop in their quest to dominate the ugly wedding cake circuit. As if anyone needs a water feature to make the cake appear more appetizing. Maybe it serves a purpose, to hopefully rub some moisture off onto an otherwise insanely dry cake. At least it can be dolled up with a ballon-Cinderella carriage.
Cakes with Live Stuff in Them – I saw this episode of Cake Boss on TLC where they made an old school Italian wedding cake with live doves in it. As if it wasn’t enough, then I saw this photo online that somehow incorporated a fish tank. Nothing classes up the joint like a fish tank.
Cakes Shaped Like People – I don’t know where I first saw this cake, maybe Bridezillas, but I know this chick made a big deal about NEEDING a wedding cake that is shaped like her. Why would anyone would need a cake that looked like a murder scene after the first cut? Sure, it’s no bleedin’ armadillo cake, but it’s still pretty morose.
Cakes with Stairs – Nothing says class like a cake with architectural integrity. Often enhanced by the tiny people marching up and down these stairs to a high-rise town of cake, this cake trend seems to be a constant with the “I should have had a real wedding the first time around” crowd.
Cakes with Creepy Toppers – Let’s take a perfectly good cake and ruin it with something totally odd, or better yet – let’s ruin a beloved childhood candy for anyone who looks at it.
Cakes with a Million Smaller Cakes – Spreading its wings like the NBC peacock, this cake comes with its own backdrop. Just make sure your venue has at least 12-foot ceilings.
Non-Cake Cakes – Ok, I put in the time. I bought a new dress, I drove three hours, and I didn’t complain when I was sat at the table with your weird cousin Mildred and her stories about cats. Is it too much to ask to get an actual piece of cake? I’ll take a cupcake. I’ll take a coffee cake. But doughnuts and phallic banana & pastry buffets are not going to cut the mustard, lady.
His and Hers Cakes – I appreciate the compromise, truly. But perhaps if you can’t decide on one cake together, or perhaps one WHOLE cake, you should really consider if signing your life away to each other is really the best idea.
S#!t Cakes – Sometimes novelty does not meet function. Case in point, Jabba the Hut, about 180’ differently.
Day-Glo Cakes – The only thing that should be glowing on your big day is you. Points for the use of Beanie Babies though.
I promise, if you’re coming to our big day you will get cake and it won’t utilize any of these freakish cake fads. Scout’s honor.
Thanks for reading. – A