I started writing a post about food addiction and how I am going to a meeting of Overeaters Anonymous tonight. Though I peppered it with witty quips about how I was virtually doing bumps of nacho cheese between my toes, I soon realized that what I was writing was all over the place. This is probably because food addiction is real, is alive in me, and is extremely complex. I wanted to let you know this because, well, this blog is honest and it’s cathartic for me to share the real experience with you. Though I know many of you in person, there are a lot of you that I don’t and that little bit of anonymity that I have with you makes me feel free enough to share even the ugly parts of who I am.
I am a food addict, and perhaps I will never be able to admit that I might have been able to lose this weight without the surgery if I got my eating, my sometimes secret eating, under control. But I just typed it, and that’s a lot right there. Now that I can tolerate just about anything I put in my mouth, I need to take another drastic step and really look into the mess that is my relationship with food.
I’m nervous about joining a group whose 12 steps involve God, because my jury is still out on what I believe to be true when it comes to religion. But I have reached a point where my truth, the only thing I can count on, is that I am terrified that I will gain this weight back. Yes, maybe the new version of “bingeing” is a 1.75 ounce bag of M&M’s, and you may say, “Don’t be so hard on yourself!” But I ate my way to my old body one bite at a time. I’m going to need to fight this battle one bite at a time too.
Please don’t think that I’m doom and gloom about stuff – I’ve actually had a totally fabulous week! I think I just needed to share this with you to give myself some sort of accountability, some audience to hold me to my goals. I wish that I could say that I am enough, that I can do this for myself. But the unfortunate truth is that right now, I can’t. Thankfully you’re along for the ride, and I know I don’t want to let you down. I know in the end, your support will hold me up while I let go to explore myself for a little bit.
Thanks for not letting me fall. – A