10 Wedding Gowns You Won’t See Me Wear

There is a gown I’ve been obsessed with. Many people have heard me talk about this dress, a gown that seems so beautiful I am willing to brave the terrible service and sales pressure at David’s Bridal to get it. The gown is part of a collection designed by Vera Wang called White and will be released in early February. Though I can’t really purchase anything until July (at the earliest) because of the surgery, I can keep an eye out for something I want, and I just can’t stop thinking about this dress. I think if it looks as good in person as it does in the photos, it’s going to be the measuring stick for all others I might try on.

However, these dresses will not make the cut. I thought you would appreciate seeing some of the monstrosities that I’ve come across while googling wedding gowns.


This gem was worn by a 16 year old bride, which should account for the lack of taste. It was reportedly made with 30 layers of material, including a 15 foot train, metal hoops and 3,000 Swarovski crystals. This resulted in the dress weighing over 350 pounds, the size 4 bride needed to be pushed down the aisle by 10 guests and spent the night sitting. Sounds like she had a blast.


Business in the front, party in the back. This Russian bride is really not helping the generalizations that eastern European gals have a different view on what is appropriate when choosing clothing. But really, look how warm it seems in this picture. With her hot Russian blood that can keep her warm in sub-zero temperatures, this dress was a necessity on a sunny 76′ day!


I understand that wedding gowns are supposed to be virtuous and pure, or at least they used to. But there’s something about a crocheted condom that really hammers this idea home. Hope her lucky groom has the keys to her chastity belt! What makes me most sad is that this dress is designed by YSL and they can do so much better. I feel like the mom of an A student who brought home a D. Tsk, tsk Yves St Laurent!


According to wikipedia, a “chuppah (Hebrew: חוּפָּה‎, pl. חוּפּוֹת, chuppot, literally, “canopy” or “covering”), also huppah, chupah, or chuppa, is a canopy under which a Jewish couple stand during their wedding ceremony”. I have been knocking myself out trying to find ways to make one for our wedding, or rent one at a reasonable price. Who knew, all I needed to do was get a gown with one built in? Mazle tov!


Sometimes I struggle with the classic bride versus sexy bride look. Then I see pictures like this and I find myself leaning more toward the classic side of things. I’ll bet Janet Jackson was really happy to see that she wasn’t the only one who had such a terrible wardrobe malfunction that year.


When Charo got married, I’ll bet this is what she wore. Guess Jersey has a little latin flavor in the water. Cuchi-chuchi!


You light up my life. And your dress reminds me of that eerie glow given off by bug zappers. This past Christmas we had an ugly holiday sweater party, and our sweaters lit up. Funny, yes. Something you want to remember forever while wearing the most important garment you’ll ever own? Not so much.



God bless the USA! I am all for being patriotic, and I even appreciate the effort that goes into a theme wedding. But perhaps this is a little over the edge? I mean, we’re past being American and we’re into the Blue Collar Comedy Tour “Uhmurrican” with this one.


This ensemble reminds me of Glinda the Good Witch of the North from the “Wizard of Oz”.  Unfortunately, this is not a stage production, it’s your wedding.


Whenever I walk through the mall and pass the airbrush kiosk, I think to myself, “Sure, a novelty sweatshirt or license plate might be cute.” Clearly I am not thinking as out-of-the-box as I could. And here I am, thinking satin and pearls is the way to go.


Needless to say, I won’t be posting pics of my gown until after the big day but cross your fingers that I look as special as these ladies!

Thanks for reading. – A


January 28, 2011. Tags: . 2011.

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